I started blogging again a few months ago and posted an attempt at optimism with the Caterpillar story. Mike rescued the swallowtail, he pupated in the jar...and, well, he's still living in there, with his friend the Wooly Bear caterpillar, who is trying to absorb him. Looking like a potato chip, suspended up against the wall, and we're not even sure he's alive anymore. But I refuse to part with the crunchy little guy.
At the time, I was going through post-divorce stress, and tried to spin the "Oh we found a caterpillar...he's going to morph into something better" story into some kind of analogy for the midlife transition I was experiencing:...Something about feeling bullied by my ex-husband and the new stepmom (something I've since learned is called Parental Alientation Syndrome, and is actually a very sad and subtle form of child abuse where one parent [my ex] is attempting to alienate my child from me...aided by his new spouse.) Yikes. How could something so insidious be happening to my supposedly evolved, educated and well-meaning family / ex-family?
Anyway...because of recent Holiday Season developments, I've decided I've been all wrong.
Wrong about assuming that my situation in any way parallels the life of a caterpillar who is destined to become better. I am fine just the way I am, dammit! All of this self-help bullshit; all of this "working your way through midlife crises" support group stuff...why is there this stubborn assumption that if you're depressed, or suffering because you are feeling separated or being alienated from your teenage child, that it means you are defective, in need of improvement, and need to bloom into some improved brightly-colored butterfly?
I've determined that I'm ACCEPTABLE as is, and I'm entitled to have an awesome relationship with my son, by simple virtue of the fact that he is my SON. Period. The stepfamily is the stepfamily, and that's the extent of it. You cannot take away the love and influence of the maternal bond, no matter what insecurity or perceived barriers exists. Physically impossible. There is absolutely no manipulative behavior or bullying that can be directed at me that will take away the fact that I am fine just the way I am!...and not in need of metamorphosis, tranquilizers, or $180 therapy bills.
Signed,
Momma Bear
